Having tired of the lack of success with Match.com, I remembered a
friend had found success on OKCupid. The
same evening I was stood up by the boat trash, I signed up and immediately upon
completing my profile had interest from one guy. He met many of my criteria: seemed nice, was
a Christian, lived within 30 minutes of me, had no shirtless photos and didn’t
refer to himself as sexy or boi in his OKCupid account name. For the record my account name is Brooks
BrosPrep.
We talked through
the site and then through text for over a week and decided to meet for a lunch
date which offers both specific end time as well as plenty of witnesses should
he have murderous intentions. What? I saw that documentary about the Craigslist
Killer. On the day of the date, he
called to say he was running late because he had been involved in a wreck in
his mother’s car while taking her grocery shopping. There were several ways to interpret this
scenario but I decided to go with dutiful, but unlucky, son. We rescheduled for later the same day for
Starbucks, where he proceeded to spend most of the time talking about all the
sugar daddies who wanted to buy him things.
He assured me he wasn’t looking for a sugar daddy but when I made a point
to significantly downplay my assets, he stood me up for our following date even
though he stated he was a Christian. My
offer of a date was, and I kid you not, an invitation to my Bible Study. Just like the Spice Girls said, “If you
wannabe my lover, you gotta get with my friends…and Jesus.” Can I get a Zig-a-Zig-Amen, y’all?
And speaking of
Jesus, can I tell you the alarming number of very attractive Atheists in Long
Beach and LA County? I jokingly refer to
California as “Land of the Heathen”, but I thought I was kidding. However, I have come to find Sheldon’s Mama
was right all along. I have read
profiles of at least twelve men who caught my attention only to find they are Atheist. I’m not even counting the multitude of
Agnostics out there. And if you are
looking for a non-smoker, they are just as hard to come by as Christians, or at
least authentic Christians. You’ll
pardon me if I fail to find authenticity in your faith when you are posed
shirtless in your photo and your account name is GitUSum2Nite. Methinks you have something on your mind besides
sharing your journey toward redemption.
The next 65 people
I “winked at” (which is something you do on this site), emailed or otherwise
showed interest in had no reciprocal interest in yours truly for reasons known
only to them. There were two gentlemen,
and I use that term loosely, who found my profile, communicated, set dates and
then stood me up. I don’t know why. Honestly I wasn’t invested enough to
ask. I just finished my appetizer and
left the restaurant.
I decided to simply stop looking at people’s profiles
and let those interested contact me when I received this message last
week. I’ll give it to you in its
entirety.
Random Dude: “Hi. I’m looking for someone who can treat me like
a baby.”
Me: “I don’t understand that sentence.”
RD: “I wanna be
a baby.”
Me: “I am not
interested in whatever this is. Thank
you.”
Yes, dear readers, from amongst these people I must
find my future husband. I know Meaghan
Trainor wrote a song about her future husband and while I don’t remember what
it said, I think maybe I’ll ask her out
on a date. Men are starting to get on my
nerves and I do like a sassy girl; unfortunately, my favorite Sassy Girl Emily is, alas,
happily married in the Magnolia State. I
can’t do the splits like that big dude in Ms. Trainor’s video but I can
rock a sweater tied around my shoulders, like an Old School Prep. That’s got to count for something, right?
On to Suggestion #4:
Meet Mr. Right through Volunteering.
